


Baby, You're Summer time fine

by monwonpanda



Series: SonShin(e) [7]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, Messy, pinning, showho, showki isn't really there, steal yo man, teeny tiny bit fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-06 23:43:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11046798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monwonpanda/pseuds/monwonpanda
Summary: Soul mate au where a person presents the name of their soul mate on their wrist when they turn eighteen.Chapter 1 - Hyunwoo isn't too ecstatic about it. - rainChapter 2 - kihyun's explanation.- stolen





	1. Hyunwoo - rain

_**Past** _

Humans have an array of illusion to make them feel better, some going to the extent of claiming to predict the moves of the universe. Hyunwoo is fairly familiar with the wishful thinking and the laws of attraction, although he doesn't really practice them.

Still, on that day, he couldn't help himself.

On that day, he put his faith in the summer rain.

Every so often, the class would be a buzz with excitement. It was their final year and most were turning the golden age of eighteen. Eighteen, Hyunwoo doesn't think much of it. They're barely adults, the majority still under their parent's roof, following their parent's rules.

So why eighteen? He thinks it's a highly impractical and inconvenient age. Not that he had a say though. Today was his eighteenth birthday and he would present. He refused to stay at home like most, he didn't see why, the presenting only occurred at the time of birth and that was only in the late evening. If he hadn't seen it with his own eyes or accepted it as a part of the everyday human, he would never believe a person's name would just appear on his wrist. Today was the lucky day to experience it for himself.

More excited than him or anyone else in Hyunwoo's life is Hoseok. From the moment the day had started, he was uncontrollably hyper. Hyunwoo may not have enjoyed the prospect of presenting but he did enjoy Hoseok's clumsy display of enthusiasm. His friend was an unapologetic romantic, something Hyunwoo could never fully wrap his head around. He took every opportunity to disturb Hyunwoo in class, sprouting all kind of wishful nonsense. Most questions were answered with a simple 'i don't know', cause he didn't. Even after tonight, he would only know the person's name and that isn't much if you think about it. Whoever it was could be across the world, he could be five years or twenty-five and that information wouldn't appear on his wrist.

Two classes before the end of school, Hyunwoo is greeted by the summer rain. The droplets of water gather on the window and he stares out blankly. There are groans of annoyance, many wouldn't haven't brought an umbrella, Hyunwoo being one but he's happy. The smallest of smiles tugs at his lips. For once, he might indulge himself in some wishful thinking.

It's with that imagery, he goes home. Hoseok is quick to give him space, even though his dying to stick around. Apart of Hyunwoo wants him to but there's this big glaring 'IF' that holds him back.

His parents pay him no mind, even his younger sister seems strangely calm. It doesn't do much to deter the whirlwind inside him. The time arrives too quick for him and somehow, not quick enough. He's eager to pay it no mind, his fingers still diligently playing some game on his phone until he can't shake it off.

At fist it itches, then it burns and burns some more. Tossing the phone aside, he quickly places the underneath of his right wrist underneath a stream of cool water. A lump of nervousness forming in his throat, he didn't quite expect the event to have such a profound effect on him. Of course, that's him in denial because the way his feeling has nothing to do with presenting but more along the line of who's name he would or wouldn't present.

The itching returns and he tries to soothe the area by rubbing it down with the pads of his fingers. So lost in though, the writing is almost a light gray when he notices it.

When he does, everything stops. All senses abandoned him as he feels his stomach drop, his breath catching in the tightness of his chest.

All he sees is 'Ki'. He doesn't go further than that. It doesn' matter further than that because those two letters were enough to validate his worst fear.

It wasn't Hoseok.

It wasn't Hoseok.

It wasn't Hoseok.

He doesn't do much after that, not until his parents knock on the door and he's shaken from his numbness.It lingers though, through dinner, up until he retires to bed. The weight of reality slung upon his back, pulling him down with every step he takes. Even so, he forces himself to rationalize, to delude himself with the false assurance of the world's madness. Hoseok wasn't his soul mate, no, it was this person who's name he couldn't even recall now. It wasn't Hoseok.

With no intention of speaking to the other, he sends him a quick text with the name and a goodnight. He gets a reply promptly but he doesn't read it.

The next morning, he isn't surprised with 'congratulations' text but the other one has him sighing in relief. Hoseok wouldn't make it to school as he would be going to Busan. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, his grandmother was old and often required assistance.

As relieved as he was, it still made him restless. Something about his tragic one sided love falling apart made him long even more for his friend. When Hoseok did return, it did nothing but turn Hyunwoo's life upside down even further. Hoseok was ecstatic, inspecting the wrist, coming up with hypothetical scenarios, guessing what kind of person belonged to this name. It was an eye opener and Hyunwoo finds his resolve. Hoseok wasn't his and never was. The concept of his best friend ever wanting to be more now sounded outlandish and he needs it to stay that way. In hindsight, it didn't seem so bad anymore. Maybe he just got too caught up in his feelings and his presenting came to his rescue. If not for his presenting, just how far would he go for Hoseok to only turn him down, after how long would he destroy their friendship and lose the one he thought he loved.

It was for the better and now, he knew better.

The truth is, it was all a lie. Day after day, feeding his denial with more lies, more fake assurance until he was overflowing with false confidence.

They went to the same sports college as they had planned when they entered high school. Hyunwoo isn't about to admit it but nothing has changed. They've gotten older maybe, Hoseok's gained a bit of height, Hyunwoo's gotten a bit broader but their dynamics remain the same, most importantly, Hyunwoo's feeling remain the same. He walks the fine line, convinced his feelings for his friend is a delusion. He's even fully committed to finding his soul mate.

Kihyun, he tries to say it a few times but it taste like medicine, bitter but it's the only thing that's going to heal him.

All the while, Hyunwoo sinks deeper into the bubble of comfort he creates with Hoseok. That is until the fateful day at the campus cafeteria.

It was one of their rare days where their schedules aligned and they could return to their shared apartment together. Neither of them was in the mood to cook, so they sift out a seat in the cafeteria to ease the hunger pangs.

Hoseok was clumsy by nature, hence Hyunwoo doesn't think too much into it when the younger spills his coke. The look on his face however, worries him.

"Are you okay?" he asks as he dabs at the spilled cola with a tissue.

He wasn't really expecting an answer or anything in general. It wasn't uncommon for the other to daydream. Hyunwoo had witnessed his friend's lack of awareness on one too many occasions. Why was today any different?

Like he thought, Hoseok doesn't answer, just drops his hands to his lap as his eyebrows furrow.

Before he can voice his concerns, he notices the impossibly elongated figure approaching them. The stranger, a cross between sassy and confused. He steps up to the table and opens his peculiar lips but nothing seems to come out.

Considering the situation, Hyunwoo isn't sure who to address first but it so happens, none needed his assistance.

"Hyungwon," Hoseok sounds reluctant, a tinge of dread evident.

Hyunwoo's heard that name, the name that is very bit etched into his memory as his own soul mate's name. The name of Hoseok's soul mate, the name of the man that would undoubtingly rip Hoseok away from him.

The scraping of Hoseok's plastic chair breaks his trance and his eyes watch Hoseok's pale face with intent. That was not the face he expected. His friend was hopeless romantic, probably penned a million ideas about how he would meet his soul mate and he was here, his story had begun. He doesn't look as happy as Hyunwoo wished he would be and he can't watch anymore.

He doesn't look at either of them or at anything in particular.

"Hoseok, I. It just started itching and,"

and? and ...and?

Hyunwoo hears no more. He goes numb for the second time in his life but there's nowhere to hide out here. Hoseok is right in front of him with his lover, with his lover that wasn't Hyunwoo. He was never Hoseok's like how Hoseok was never his.

More and more, the evidence piles up against him. There was no way around it, his love for Hoseok was a mistake. It was clear as day but yet the drip drop won't cease, he's overflowing. He needs to find Kihyun or he just might drown.

With his bony long fingers, Hyungwon had burst their bubble.

Despite being less than thrilled about finding his soulmate, Hoseok adapts to it easily. It's only a matter of weeks before Hyungwon is included in their daily routine or Hoseok that is pulled into Hyungwon's private world. Hyunwoo sees him less but he knows it's for the best. It doesn't help though, when he finds himself cherishing their moments on the couch after a long gym session or morning runs before the rise of the sun.

Months go by and the inevitable happens. Hyungwon wants Hoseok to move into his apartment which leaves Hyunwoo without his best friend and in need of a new roommate. He doesn't resist as he knows it's for the better.-or so he tells himself.

Oddly, Hyunwoo feels his friendship with Hoseok grow stronger. With the added distance, the younger goes out of his way for them to go out together. They do stuff they wouldn't usually do because lying on the couch in boxers is just so much more convenient. one particular day ending in a frustrated Hoseok because Hyungwon just called because he forgot his keys and is pissed that Hoseok isn't at home to open for him. It wouldn't be the first of Hyungwon's tantrum displays. The taller was akin to a brat but it was attention rather material items he desired and Hoseok showered him with it freely.

That still didn't mean he had to take advantage of it. Hyunwoo had become the spectator to one too many acts of Hoseok's love. One being them sifting through a club because Hyungwon's friends just phone to say they hadn't seen the giant for the last hour. Ultimately, they found him passed out in the bathroom. Hyungwon's friends most likely knew where he was but didn't want the hassle.

On several occasions, Hyungwon had called Hoseok up to simply come pick him up. On one hand, it was cute but cute was the last thing he thought of when Hyungwon would throw a hissy fit in the car when he spilled his coffee and it all so happened to be Hoseok's fault.

Hoseok was caring by nature, Hyunwoo experienced this first hand. So it was expectant for him to be a doting lover but he also took on blame easily. He was submissive and Hyungwon had a way of always ridding himself of any responsibility. He could be as flamboyant and ridiculous as he liked and he knew Hoseok would adore him, tolerate him at his worst. It was a signed deal, at is worst and at his best, Hoseok was his soul mate and would love him.

Hyunwoo wonders if that applies to Hyungwon as well. Would Hyungwon accept Hoseok at his worst when he couldn't or wouldn't give into Hyungwon's every demand? He's tempted to ask but he doesn't.

It isn't his place, he repeats that to himself like a mantra. He isn't one to go minding other people's business, not when his own feelings could get in the way. Who knows what he would say?

Hoseok drops little bits of information, tidbits but Hyunwoo is quick to understand. It's always followed by some declaration of love but Hyunwoo doesn't know who he's trying to convince, himself or Hyunwoo?

Day after day, month after month, the nagging sensation of watching Hoseok with Hyungwon becomes tolerable. He easily co-exists with his disdain and the delusions just never stop. On more than one occasions, Hyunwoo feels something akin to sparks between him and Hoseok. When they lay side by side underneath the stars on some parking lot, he feels the magnet rush to sweep the younger into his arms.

Delusions, too many delusion. He doubts there's any truth in those moments. His imagination however, feels so vivid. He could never look Hoseok in the eye, he's too scared he would see through him and it would be over.

but wouldn't that be better?

No, Hyunwoo could drown and become accustomed to asphyxiation if it meant he could remain close to Hoseok.

Maybe he's already drowned and just living the life of a ghost. There but not there, just a spectator. He can watch Hoseok all he wants but he can never have him, he may as well be dead.

But there's this thread dangling from the ceiling. It's red like the flames that burn him whenever he touches Hoseok, it's painful but comforting. There are random moments of awareness where he understands just how foolish he's been, how unwarranted these torturous feelings are and only then can he fully grasp the thin thread. It's his only opportunity to escape this cycle before the tide pulls him in again and he drowns in Hoseok's ocean.

Kihyun  
Kihyun  
save me

He becomes accustomed to that feeling as well. The pull and push of does he really want to find Kihyun. Sometimes he couldn't care less and sometimes his on the brink of desperation and he needs a cure for his despair.

Sometimes he does the very opposite and calls up Hoseok to poison him more.

**_Present_ **

The pitter patter lures him from his slumber, eyes unhappily opening to the dark of the room. It's a good few hours before his alarm goes off.

The summer has arrived. It may be five years since he presented but the rain persists to fuel him with such contempt. He can taste the acidic disdain on his tongue, like the bile that threatens to rise after a night of heavy drinking. Hyunwoo has no intention of leaving the bed, he needs to sleep the day off as much as he can.

Sadly, work can't be compromised and he rises despite the display outside his window. The shower proves to be soothing but he overslept and can't indulge as much as he would like. The silence cutting through the air the minute he ceases the shower. The silence is every bit dangerous as it was then. Hyunwoo has a hard time not letting himself wallow in their memory.

Bare feet pad across the wooden floor and he prepares a simple bowl of cereal. Milk dripping down his chin as he watches the water gather on the window pane.

Today was going to be a long day, that much is certain.

The gym is unusually quiet but his manager credits it to the persisting downpour. Hyunwoo takes it as an opportunity to sort out the paperwork he so often neglects. As expected with admin, the time flies by and the manager let him off early.

The drain fizzles out couple minutes after he leaves work. He wonders if he should head back in case the evening rush pulls through but he's tired. More so emotionally than mentally or physically. In the carriage, he stands as everyone piles in. He doesn't travel this time often and is unfamiliar with the people that usually do. There are children still in their school uniform and that's something Hyunwoo very rarely gets to see. His usual carriage is a mix of elderly and the exhausted working force.

He reaches his apartment in record time and sinks into his bed. There was no need for food or anything else. He hasn't even glanced at his phone. Maybe he will tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes too soon and his blurry eyes decipher the number on the screen.

2:13

He makes the mistake of unlocking his phone, a list of notifications piling up on his screen and Hoseok's name is all he can see.

Only then does he hear the rain dance upon the earth. The strumming disturbs the sleeping silence, forcing him into awareness. Hyunwoo just lays there, phone in hand, eyes wide open as his skin absorbs the sound of the rain.

Th next few days are similar and he's exhausted come to the end of the week. Hoseok doesn't take lightly to being ignored and calls him up at work. Hyunwoo, of course, makes some excuse about his phone being broken.

They haven't seen each other in a while, considering they're living in two different cities. The distance isn't too vast, a two to three-hour drive at most but work takes priority. The last they crossed paths was a taekwondo championship that Hoseok had ultimately won. That day, he had Hoseok to himself because Hyungwon was too busy with work to attend the event. Hyunwoo didn' know if he was thankful or annoyed at Hyungwon's disregard. He had known first hand through multiple calls just how hard Hoseok was training, all the while taking care of his majesty.

But it hadn't been Hyunwoo's place then and it wasn't going to become his now.

He doesn't think much of the little white lie he spoke, not like Hoseok would come all this way to find out if he's phone is really broken...and yet, he's not nearly surprised as he should be when he sees his now blonde friend on his doorstep. The athlete is like a little bunny tucked into a few sizes too big bomber jacket. He always liked big clothes.

Hyunwoo doesn't even manage to greet him, Hoseok presents his open palms and requests the cellular device in question.

Hyunwoo wonders why Hoseok feels the need to validate his presence, to explain to Hyunwoo just why he was here in front of him on a Monday evening. The need to use false pretense to hide his real agenda, to cover up his wounds.

Hyunwoo lies too, saying his phone has gone for repairs. Hoseok accepts it easily enough.

They talk the night away, neither of them having any interest in any technology or food. The space is just dominated by their overly animated voices, Hyunwoo feeling like he's been silent so long, his own voice sounds foreign to him. Of course, Hoseok mentions not a thing about Hyungwon, not a thing about why he's really here but Hyunwoo couldn't care less. He was here and that's all that matters to him.

Hoseok falls asleep mid conversation and Hyunwoo carefully picks him up and lays him to sleep on the bed. Residing himself to the couch, he withdraws the cellular object he's kept hidden in his pocket. It's already the next day, he would have to rise soon enough.

But he can't sleep and it has nothing to do with Hoseok being so impossibly close to him after all this time. Hyunwoo has stumbled upon another cluster of doubts and worries.

This soulmate he's waiting for, this Kihyun that's going to wake him from his delusions. Would he pull Hyunwoo further away from Hoseok, the way Hyungwon pulled Hoseok away from him? Would all these feelings and memories become redundant?

This love he felt, would it prove to meaningless? That's cruel, life was cruel, this world was so unfair.

And God, there's no way something like that could exist.

-

He's on his way home when his prevailing lack of luck strikes once again. He first loses his grounding, his feet sliding as he feels himself swaying. With some unexplainable force, he manages to hang on till they arrive but with motion, things get worst. His stomach threatens to swallow itself and he can feel the contents of his lunch clawing it's way up his throat. He makes haste, rushing into the apartment and straight into his bathroom. Knees crashing onto the floor as he spills the disgusting mixture of food and bile into the toilet bowl. His stomach contracting and releasing until nothing comes up and he's choking on air.

Hyunwoo hasn't been sick since he left home five years ago but he knows what comes next is considered a fever. He feels terribly warm and yucky, his body is slick with sweat as his head gets heavier. He doesn't have medication and resorts to soaking himself. The cool water does more than he could imagine. His whole body sighs in relief as he sinks in, the cool water washing away the sweat.

After the bath, he slips on a pair of boxers and sifts out a ramyun cup. He doesn't have much of an appetite but from what he can recall from his childhood days, is the importance of eating and hydrating when sick. He does just that, emptying the ramyun contents followed with two glasses of water. Sleep takes him moments later, his glistened skin sticking to his blankets.

If possible, he wakes up feeling even worse. Tossing himself on the couch, eyeing the tv remote he uses so rarely. Switching the television on, he sifts through random channels till he finds one playing the news.

He had no interest dramas but the news proved to be pretty close to just that. The news reporter is chatting away and Hyunwoo doesn't miss the title in bold red along the bottom of the screen.

Yoo family in despair as son commits suicide.

The apparent Yoo family is one Hyunwoo isn't familiar with but they must be very influential. He doesn't keep up to date with things of such nature. It's morbid but he can't imagine the other channels having anything better. A picture of the victim comes up and Hyunwoo raises his eyebrow. The boy is obviously young, good looking with sharp eyes. Hyunwoo doesn't have a firm grasp on his own reality but he can't help but wonder about this stranger. Through the nagging pain engulfing his body, he watches with vague interest. Something he wished he didn't do. He hears it the first time, the second time and moments later when its displayed on the screen in white lettering.

**Yoo Kihyun**

Whatever Hyunwoo is feeling is quickly overcome with panic, so frightening, it has him shaking. He grips his wrist in an attempt to stop the shaking but it fails. Not that it matters, trembling or not, it doesn't change the fact that the name is nowhere to be seen.

There's nothing but smooth skin, clear and untouched.

Like it was never there, like Hyunwoo had never had a chance to escape.

For the first time since he presented, he weeps as the memories tucked inside seem to unfurl with such wrath. He could no longer suppress his despair, he...

He was trapped.

Tears spill like the summer rain that haunts him, warm but cruel. So cruel, he forgets how to breathe, his throat closing unto itself until he can't feel nor hear, nor see, nor taste, nor smell.

Until there's nothing.

Until he loses all sense of self and acts on impulse. The human urgency to ease the pain, to seek out comfort, to be selfish.

"Hoseok," he tries to even out his breath, just a little but it doesn't lessen his friend's panic,"I need you."

That's probably the most truthful he's been with his best friend in a long time.

It feels like only seconds have passed but he wakes to warm of his bed, the room dimly lit. He's beyond perplexed but his body refuses to obey his commands and he sinks back into the sheets. There's the shuffling of feet and the creak of the door.

As expected, he opens his eyes to Hoseok's figure gently trying to sit on the bed.

His eyes widen as he notices Hyunwoo is awake," D-Did I wake you?"

Hyunwoo wants to say no but his throat is painful.

There's this sadness in Hoseok's eyes that Hyunwoo can't unsee, something akin to shame but painfully hidden.

"I'm sorry,"

Hyunwoo doesn't dare look at him, the memories of last night flooding back as he recalls his revelation.

He has no soul mate and was in love with somebody else's.

The air becomes thick with the unsaid and Hyunwoo wonders if Hoseok has any idea of what's going on below the surfaces. Probably not but Hyunwoo has gone to great lengths to maintain this space they're in.

But what for?

So he can watch Hoseok happily continue his life with Hyungwon, maybe ask Hyunwoo to be his best man or the godfather to their child. Was he going to live and die in this role?

Luckily, he can't speak and Hoseok presses no further. He helps Hyunwoo into the shower, Hyunwoo is eternally grateful that the situation is much too dire for him to be flustered. He spends most of the day asleep but Hoseok is there when he wakes. His presence enough to ease the storm of emotion brewing within the depths of his chest.

In hindsight, Hyunwoo knew this moment was coming. He wasn't nearly as interested in his apparent soul mate as he tried to be. He just saw Kihyun as a means of progression, a compass to guide into a path that was meant for him as Hoseok was meant for Hyungwon. Truth be told, he doubted he could give Kihyun the space Hoseok occupied. He knew he wouldn't but he wanted to stay open-minded just in case this soul mate came over and erased all those suffocating feelings and urges. Guess he indulged in more wishful thinking that originally thought he did.

Hoseok sticks around for a couple of days, until Hyunwoo is back on his feet and prepared to return to work. He's not so eager to disturb his new found peace with his unrequited love but the guilt tugs him back to reality. He's eavesdropped on more than one phone call from the model and Hyungwon is none too pleased with holding down the fort on his own. Guilt, however, is mirrored with a kind of smug satisfaction. Hyunwoo never heard Hoseok argue with Hyungwon with such vigor and it's for him.

Foolish, he knows.

Returning to an empty apartment never seemed more daunting. Whereas he never paid attention to the name on his wrist, he couldn't stop glancing at the clean skin. unsettling as it is comforting. Amongst the panic and dread of never being free of the forbidden one-sided love, comes the revelation that assures him that his feelings for Hoseok had always been more than an illusion. He was only afraid to commit to it because he scared of the 'what ifs' and the 'maybes' that plagued his conscience or the chances of him meeting his soul mate and falling madly in love.

The chances had been slim from the get go. He wasn't even sure madly in love would be enough to convince him to relieve the pining for Hoseok.

Things aren't helped by Hoseok random visits, especially when Hyungwon accompanies him. They dance around the reality of Hyunwoo's lost soul mate and Hyunwoo hasn't shared that he's seen Kihyun on the news. No, they just float around in the apartment, speaking a language that offends none and protects none. It's all very wishy-washy, a far cry from the intimacy he shares with Hoseok but he's grateful all the same for the company. He's never quite understood how lonely he's become until the loss of his soul mate. Maybe he was waiting for something and now that that something went and committed suicide, he was left to fill the void himself.

A task that proves much too daunting for Hyunwoo in the beginning.

He soon finds comfort in the little things like collecting coupons that come with the bread. He has a chart and when he collects sixteen, he can go exchange them for some item. He isn't really interested in the item but he buys bread often enough, so why not collect it.

He makes an unexpected friend when his manager brings in his son for some holiday. The little boy is terrified by Hyunwoo but mesmerized by the concept of weight lifting. Hyunwoo isn't to invested in strength training, not as much as he used to be back when he used to swim. He entertains the child none the less, oddly eager to nullify this not-so-pleasant impression of himself. It works out better than he expected and the boy he refers to as 'brat' pops by very now and again to talk to the Hyung with a scary face and big muscles.

Maybe it was just a change of mindset or maybe his destiny was being redirected. He still pinned for Hoseok but now it was momentary because his feelings were now resolute. It was just how it is and there was gong to bad days and good days. The thing is, Hyunwoo isn't thinking that far into the future anymore. With the weight of his feelings and infinite space that's he's been given, he'll take it one step at a time.

Making friends seems to be an art in itself but Hyunwoo acts more as an attractor than an initiator. He engages in short but friendly chats with the barista at his new favorite cafe. The lady that teaches yoga at the gym gossips with him during lunch, not hat Hyunwoo has much to gossip about but he's a good listener. His manager invites him to his son birthday part because the brat had said so. Hyunwoo reluctantly agrees but it hadn't turned out so bad. Amongst the chaos of little kids and being called Muscle Hyung, he meets up with one of he gym regulars. The member in question is a part of the dynamic duo as they call themselves. Hyunwoo's known them since he began work there. Loud, unnecessary and gleeful, they remind Hyunwoo of his days back in college.

They must take his appearance at the party as some kind of opening because they begin bugging him on the daily to go out. Going out is not the issue but the place in question so happens to a club that Hyunwoo isn't all too thrilled about.

None the less, around nine on a Friday night, he slips on a pair of black jeans and a white shirt. His two counterpart lay eagerly await. After an unnecessarily hyper drive, Hyunwoo is engulfed by the nightlife. At first, it seems all too much but he soon enjoys the spectacle. The alcohol makes it better. The good thing about his company is that they seem content with just fucking around, there's no bigger picture or anything of that kind.

It becomes more a drinking game, each one trying to out drink the other while Hyunwoo sips. Even so, by the time the clock strikes twelve, Hyunwoo is pretty unbalanced. He's never been one to drink, especially all these weird white spirits. After what seems like an eternity of getting the fallen puppies back to at least one of their homes, Hyunwoo decides against taking a taxi. The alcohol warms him up and he wants to enjoy the night air.

It's been a while since he's been alone with himself and yet he's almost always by himself. Somehow, he hears himself clearer upon the dark streets of Korea than he does in his own home. He doesn't know but the invisible weight has dispersed, like his worries, like his dread, like his panic. Loving Hoseok for an eternity doesn't seem so daunting, if anything, loving his best friend is subliminal as the air he breathes.

In a way, the departure of the name that once stained his wrist now serves as further confirmation of what he already knew.

He laughs at himself, thinking how foolish he must have been smiling to himself as he waltzes down the street. He's not nearly as drunk as one would think he is. He just feels...

Something he's never encountered before and yet it's beauty is overshadowed by the person on his doorstep.

"Hoseok,"

"Woo," he smiles but his dull eyes speak louder.

"Hey, how-"

"Your phone, I tried to phone you," he answers carefully.

"It must be dead," he never did charge it after work.

The atmosphere is untamed, ridiculously hi strung. Hyunwoo can see the curves of Hoseok lips purse together, swallowing whatever secrets he was going to divulge. It's one of the moment, Hyunwoo feels he needs to say something profound, something of meaning. To him, Hoseok being here was meaning enough. He doesn't speak but takes a seat next to his best friend. Hoseok throwing one last strained smile as he rests his head on Hyunwoo's shoulder.

"You've been drinking?" he asks as he scrunches up his nose.

Hyunwoo hums in reply.

"I'm offended, you never drink with me," Hoseok tries to not sound too offended and more playful but Hyunwoo could see through the smoke screen," You replacing me?"

Replace? At one point, that used to be the goal, the cure. He needed feelings for someone else to consume him the way his love for Hoseok did. He wanted his love for his soul mate to be maddening, so overwhelming, he wouldn't have time to think of Hoseok. He kept trying looking for ways to take his breath away, he forgot to just breathe.

For Hoseok was the air and Hyunwoo was slowly dying by denying himself.

"Never," ever.  
-

Summer comes around once again. The air much too hot to handle. He doesn't bother with a shirt, the boxers alone is proving too much for this weather. Of course, it doesn't help that the fan is broken and his sprawled out on the couch, trying to catch a draft from the window. It offers little relief but he's thankful none the less.

He makes no attempt to seek out a shirt when the doorbell rings nor does he put any thought into who it may be. He's greeted by Hoseok looking scandalous as he checks Hyunwoo's physique out.

"Impressive," he comments smugly.

Hyunwoo just rolls his eyes as he goes back inside, Hoseok on his heel.

"Nice ass too," he laughs.

"Perv," Hyunwoo states as he suppresses a grin.

It only causes the young to laugh more as he settles down on the floor next to the sofa. In his hand is a packet of beer and he promptly opens it.

"Drink with me," he commands with a pout.

"Really?' Hyunwoo has very rarely indulged in alcohol with Hoseok, not too sure what the consequences might me.

"Yes, really!" the blonde huffs as he shoves the can in Hyunwoo's direction.

The older accepts it with a sigh, sliding down to sit next to his friend,"Where's Hyungwon,"

The name alone seems enough to get Hoseok talking. Hyunwoo no longer deflects this kind of situation, there are what they are.

"At his parent's. You know how he is, it's his way or his other way,"

Hyunwoo doesn't push further, knowing well that Hoseok would share when he's comfortable.

They talk about the usual, how work was, how unbearable the heat is and stuff like that. It's vague but Hyunwoo can feel Hoseok's restraint, he wants to say more. Maybe that's why he's brought the beer.

"You know," Hoseok isn't drunk, maybe tipsy but not drunk,"I can't believe I'm going to say this and we didn't even open the soju."

Hyunwoo didn't even know there was soju.

Sigh exaggeratedly, the blonde falls to his side as Hyunwoo watches in amusement.Hoseok always did have a flair for dramatics.

"It's not happening, Woo. I keep waiting for it. Like this whole soul mate thing was supposed to be surreal, next level. Like this person that's going to share your entire life is presented to you and ... It's just not what I thought. I don't know what I thought," he sounds detached, miles away," it shouldn't feel like this."

Like this? Hyunwoo wouldn't know but he can't help but wonder what Hoseok is suggesting. Did Hyungwon not live up to his expectation. He always acted like the model was his everything. Was that not the case?

"Woo," Hoseok's voice escalates and Hyunwoo quirks and eyebrow as the younger rises to his knees.

It's clumsy as he pads over to Hyunwoo, his eyes dragging over the ground. He deflates against the elder's shoulder, the beer disregarded.

"I'm not drunk," he says as he clutches to the thick arm, the warm skin melting him,"I'm just tired, so tired."

Even with the heat of the night, Hyunwoo can't bring himself to care. Hoseok falls asleep promptly, as if he came all this way for just that. Only when he can feel the younger's even breath on his exposed skin, does he allow himself to curve his arm around the narrow waist, ever so gently pressing Hoseok closer. A closeness he hasn't experienced in years, not since he moved out of their shared apartment in college, not since he found his soul mate.

He can feel it on his skin, the warm rain coating him. The sound of each and every drop evading his silence, filling him to the brim. The sky is falling on him, threatening to crush him and Hyunwoo can't move. He's rooted to the spot. The tears spilling from his eyes are lost amongst the rain .There's nothing he can do, the water blinds him till the blue of the sky fades and there's just black.

His eyes fly open in panic and darkness is all he can see. The tones of the black smothering the dream of the blue sky, his panic simmering down in the depth of his stomach.

"It's raining," Hoseok's voice is dreamlike, languid and transparent.

Hyunwoo hears it now, the pitter patter outside his window. It's still early, maybe not even past twelve yet.He props himself up, his gaze barely making out Hoseok's silhouette against the dark. The younger is in the middle of the bed, knees tucked under him as he faces the doorway.

"Remember that day, when we met. It was raining, like it is now. We were first years. I was so keen on joining the Taekwondo club, so amped. The seniors ran amock with us. In the end, I was the only fool to follow their instruction to clean up. Then the rain came. Like I wasn't already creeped about being alone," it's almost like he's reading a bedtime story," And apparently, you were a fool like me because we were the only ones left."

Hyunwoo remembers it all too well, the way Hoseok's hair resemble a bowl upon his head, the musk bubblegum they shared as they waited.

There's an audible sigh before Hoseok continues, each word straining,"I wanted it to be me,"

Hyunwoo can hear surrender in his tone, the oncoming tears that's probably pooling in his eyes. He wants to reach out, play his role but Hoseok's silhouette is like smoke, threatening to disperse at Hyunwoo touch.

"That day it rained too," His voice cracking underneath the weight of his feelings.

Even so, Hyunwoo doesn't approach him nor does he ask what he means. Maybe because there's something in the air, something vivid like the dream he woke from and he doesn't want to disturb it. He does, however, want to witness it and firmly props himself up.

"When you presented, I never went to Busan. I was just, you know, a mess. I wanted it to be me, Woo. I was almost certain it was because it had to be, it just had to," he forces the words out before his heavy breathing swallows them back in,"but it wasn't, I couldn't face you... so I stayed in bed cried and sulked and cried,"

Hyunwoo is suddenly reminded of the tears spilled in his dream, slipping passed unseen amongst the rain.

The distance between them is no greater than it's been years ago and yet, Hoseok seems no closer than a mirror at his fingertips. Hyunwoo's seeks blindly till the tips of his fingers stroke against the soft of Hoseok's skin. The shallow breathing becoming one with the dance of the rain. There's a break when he feels Hoseok shiver at the touch and Hyunwoo resolves comes full circle.

Warm palms pull the younger halfway, his boneless body offering no resistance. His knees wobble as he lets Hyunwoo guide him.

They were running on empty. Even with the words spoken, there was no startling revelation, no ' if only I knew', no regrets.

All Hyunwoo wanted was him and he takes just that. His arm curling around Hoseok's waist as Hyunwoo pulls him down to settle at his side. His shoulder sinks into the bed as his cheeks rest against the warmth of Hyunwoo's arm, the stray tears smearing against the warm skin.

Hyunwoo shifts to his side, to face Hoseok. Not that it mattered, they could barely see anything other than a mixture of shadows in the dark. It's enough for Hyunwoo, his eyes have seen this all before but his heart has yet to reach this new high.

Stating his feels as simple has he felt it," It could only be you, always had been."

There's no fireworks, no celebratory gestures. Hoseok inches closer, his one knee raising to rest between Hyunwoo's legs.

Hyunwoo thinks it's amazing how no one seeks further reassurance, neither of them questioning the other's words. There's not a shred of doubt, not even the minutest sliver of uncertainty that the way they are is the only way they should be.

It's like they've been waiting their whole lives for this, so why would they ever doubt it?

Hyunwoo makes the move to bring the other closer but it's Hoseok who take the opportunity steal a quick kiss. Hyunwoo's arm now pulling him even closer as he seeks the younger's face to return the favor but Hoseok doesn't give in. Instead, he uses his nose to nuzzle against Hyunwoo's cheek and against his jawline. Moments later, the tips of their noses brush against one another and Hyunwoo presses a chaste kiss to the quivering lips. He can feel Hoseok's plush lips pulling into a smile against his and can't help but smile as well.

It was second nature, Hoseok curling into Hyunwoo, his knee lodge between Hyunwoo's leg, his forehead now resting against the broad chest. The heat makes it less than pleasant but neither could care, too caught up in hanging on tighter in case this proves to be but a dream in the morning.

It's just one of those night of those millions dream they've kept to themselves. Elusive as it might feel neither of them fights the slow pull of sleep. Just maybe, this once, the other will be there in the morning.  
-

The heat proves too much for Hoseok to handle and he awakens in the early hours of the morning. How early? He can't tell. He's pressed up Hyunwoo's tan chest, the radiant source of heat melting him. A lazy smile stretches across his face as he inhales the elder's scent, a mixture of sweat and musk. Giggles of laughter ramble at the back of his throat, an overwhelming wave of happiness flooding over him. It causes the larger to stir and Hoseok hushes himself as he tries to untangle his limbs.

The shirt he was wearing was discarded sometime during his sleep. The jeans are annoying uncomfortable but he's more concerned about the time. Stumbling into the lounge, he spots his cellphone amongst the mess of beer cans.

6:43

He can't even recall what time he went to sleep. That quickly becomes the least of his problem. Piled upon his screen is a heap of messages and missed calls from Hyungwon. For the model to go to such lengths, Hoseok doesn't have time to evaluate the weight of his actions.

He dials up his boyfriend in a heartbeat, more concerned by Hyunwoo hearing him than he is by explaining himself to Hyungwon

It rings twice and Hoseok is mildly worried. Hyunwon was never the kind to blow up his phone. The model had too much attitude, too much sass. For him to phone fifty-nine times, it must be urgent.

"Hello-Hoseok?"

"EY," He answers backed quickly, sensing the panic in the model's voice,"What's wrong."

There's shuffling on the other side of the phone, something akin to a sob. Was Hyungwon crying?

"Oh my God, do you how many times I've phoned. I was scared!" he yells through the phone but Hoseok can hear the tears spilling.

He doesn't understand but Hyungwon won't give him a chance to speak.

"I was terrified.I thought something happened to you!"

"Like what?" he didn't want to sound so insensitive but Hyungwon was being pretty vague.

There's a dramatic pause, Hyungwon's voice coming out a pitch so high, Hoseok is dumbstruck," I thought you died..your name is missing. I was-"

"My name?" his name?

The sky falls upon him, the air knocked out of his lungs as he finally understands or at least he thinks he does. Heart in hand, he turns over his hand to view his wrist. The phone now on the couch, Hyungwon's yelling becoming quiet chatter.

To lose Hyungwon, Hoseok wouldn't be wracked with guilt. To be plagued by a blank space would only serve to confirm his unfaithfulness. Something that hadn't fully sunken in, unlike his actions that left no questions unasked.

But he does feel happy, not as much as he did moments ago wrapped up in Hyunwoo's warmth. It was pretty close though. His finger comes to sample the black letters etched upon his wrist. The pad of his index finger following the curves from the H, gliding it smoothly all along till he reaches the O. It was as solid as the chest he woke up on.

"Hyunwoo,"

It had always been him.

He smiles foolishly at himself before his attention snaps back to the voice booming through his phone.

There was no room for anything other than the truth, Hoseok interrupts Hyungwon's bantering," I'm with Hyunwoo."

That oddly gets him to calm down in a huff,"Thank God, i -"

"No, Hyungwon, I'm _with_ Hyunwoo."

 


	2. kihyun - stolen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kihyun's death wasn't just out of convenience, i had a back story for him.(and Hyungwon). didn't intend on writing it but figured he deserved an explanation.  
> warning : angsty af, implied suicide.
> 
> "Most importantly, he hopes his soulmate has a home to rest their head."

Part 1- 5 months after the wedding

Tonight is nothing but the usual. His body reacts the same way it did the day he got married. His husband's arm curves around his waist and they both feel the distinct discomfort.

They had no issues with each other but then again, they had no interest either. Junsun was a kind man, a person whose life could be recreated as a movie of the extraordinary.

And yet his virtue alone was not able to bridge the distance between them. It isn't long till Kihyun excuses himself from the charade, smiling politely as he seeks out his own parent.

Tonight was the annual charity ball. One he had attended since he was little. Only now, he was the husband of the host. Naturally, the guests lavish him in attention but the inevitable marital advice is soon offered. He's only been married for little less than a year but he doesn't think much of advice from aged socialites who have their fair share of boy toys hidden behind their fur coat in their closet.

You see, Kihyun doesn't fall easily for such flattery, such falseness. He knows all too well what's it like to go unseen, tucked in the corners so no one can notice you.

Junsun was different, he saw Kihyun when Kihyun didn't want to see himself. That makes the whole ordeal even more heartbreaking.

Bony fingers hold his hand as they admire the massive rock Junsun had gifted him. Just a little something in the eyes of the Yoo company head. A little too much perhaps but Kihyun wouldn't complain, he hardly said thanks.

He plans to fill the void with a treasure trove of pretty things. Diamonds and gems alike, silver with gold and platinum along each of his fingers, dangling from each ear lobe, curling around his neck like a noose.

Even without the frills, they can't take their eyes off him. Kihyun might just like it, he enjoys their show of ogling each detail displayed upon him. Their hands lifted to their mouths, words were spoken below a whisper and he enjoys their fear. Now all they can do is watch, hiding their own bitterness behind a mask of deception.

A mask that is useless against Kihyun because he's already seen behind it. He's already been shoved aside, considered an eyesore in the family. He knows who they really are and it scares them and it should.

It should shake them to their very core, eat away at their delectable frivolousness. He was going to destroy their careful balance of power, tilt it over till it crashed like a porcelain plate dropped to the floor.

And for himself, just watching them feel threatened is enough or at least he thought so.

"I'd like to make a toast, to Junsun and his husband Kihyun," He hears a deep voice call out.

Upon the stairs along side Junsun, his uncle raises his glass to toast.

All eyes gravitate solely towards him as he smiles lovingly at his husband, Junsun awkwardly returning the gesture.

"May your marriage be a long and happy one," he smiles gleefully, probably a little too drunk for his own good.

There's an incoming of flooding good wishing, Kihyun almost surrounded by a crowd.

He politely smiles, catching his mother glance from across the room and he reminds himself.

This is what he wanted.

This is why they did what hey did.

 

part 2- 1 month before the wedding

 _Most likely, any and all memories he has of his father is of hearsay._ He _however, remembers his home with the large gardens lined with roses bushes, the big dining hall he would use as his field to race up and down, the tiny little ball of auburn fur whose name has escaped both his and his mother's memory. In actuality, Kihyun doubts that these are genuine memories but rather just stories he's heard from his mother. She was fond of remembering, which is why she could never go forward._

_Traitor, scoundrel, thief.- Kihyun's father has been called all of those and more, mostly ones so distasteful, he refuses to remember them. It was common knowledge that his father had absconded with a pretty portion of the family money. That of course, left his mother and himself with pretty much nothing. Naturally, the house and all of their possession were repossessed, seeing as his father left a fairly large debt behind._

_The only saving grace they had was the charity of his father's eldest brother, the father of Junsun. Born two years_ a part _, it was natural that Kihyun and Junsun were close._

_Now, he can't help but wonder if they would have taken them in if it wasn't for the strong bond he shared with their son._

Some how _, he doubts._

_If only his problems ended there. Sadly, it was just the beginning of the humiliation, the disgusted faces, the harsh words._

_He was a Yoo, he had their blood but was treated like a bastard child. A nuisance amongst the wealthy, a thief amongst the successful, filth upon the pristine._

_His mother treated no different than an inconvenient presence._

_If Kihyun believed in superstition, then he could credit the turn of events as a stroke of luck. If he was a man of God, then would clasp his hand in prayer._

_But he was none of those, so what does that leave?_

_A chance, Kihyun was a man of opportunity._

_He didn't have to think twice before grabbing it._

_He remembers it, the vivid moment when the sealed door had been unlocked. The mansion was awake activity, Junsun was to present. At two in the morning, the entire family was awake because it was Junsun who would lead the company._

_The person who would take to his_ side, _would be placed upon the throne._

Every King needed a Queen.

"Ki-Hyun,"

Junsun didn't speak, it was his mother who announced the name. Every pair of eyes in the room, turning to Kihyun.

That queen was going to be him.

 

 _p_ resent

"It's going to be me," he speaks into the wind, awakened suddenly from his nostalgia.

"Indeed it is," his mother makes her presence known.

He figured he had another half an hour or so till he presented. Somehow, they had ended up here at the beach upon the water. Choosing this place at first, seemed insignificant but he soon remembers spending his summers here with Junsun.

He always took such care of Kihyun.

Kihyun intended on returning the favor. Heart in hand, he returns back to the warmth of the lounge.

The instruments are laid out neatly upon glass table. Initially, it was supposed to happen in the bedroom but Kihyun preferred to stay in the presence of the fire place.

The chances of it being his name that Junsun presented were pretty high as far as Kihyun was concerned. His mother on the other hand, wasn't willing to lax in her control. She had saved up enough money to organize everything without the families' knowledge, great lengths Kihyun didn't understand.

But he soon would.

I sting at first, the skin covering his wrist slowly starting to burn. He sits on the couch, his mother at his side with a bowl of warm rose water. She tries the sooth the burning flesh with the pads of her mouth, rubbing the skin gently.

Kihyun pays no attention, his eyes are transfixed on the dreary sky that lies beyond the large window panel. The swirls of gray, silver and navy, swallowing the dim glow of the setting sun. Nothing like the clear blue skies that would prevail as he would splash about in the water, Junsun screeching for him not to go too far. Kihyun never really learned how to swim. For the first time, he wonders.

Did he love Junsun?

Surely he did, Junsun was his sole friend, his only sense of comfort in a house that took pity on him. He was Kihyun's protector, the one to rush to his aid with an overwhelming sense of bravado.

He blinks when he realizes his mother is staring at him. Turning to her, he would be lying if he said was surprised by the look in her eyes.

And he knew, it wasn't Junsun.

The lack of reaction or emotion response is enough for Kihyun to understand what he was feeling for Junsun was not love, not the intimate kind anyway.

That's where sinning starts.

There are no spoken words, just a nod of the head. The other presence in the room makes itself known and his mother gets up. Her gentle hands push him back and he brings his legs up to rest upon the leather couch, leaving his hand of opportunity to dangle at his side.

He knows nothing about the man behind the crisp white mask aside from his petulant need of complete and utter sterilization. So he isn't the least bit surprised when the nameless man insists on cleaning his wrist with a cotton swab for a total of ten minutes. Just enough time for Kihyun to catch a brief glance of the lettering on his irritated skin.

it's the first and last time he sees it before it's removed and replaced with the ebony ink. Each prin prick nudging kihyun towards the reality of his actions.

**Junsun**

The nameless man removes his mask, his thin lips curving into a smile, obviously pleased with his work.

"The redness will decrease, I left a manual with your mother for maintenance,"

It's the only words he speaks before he packs his stuff and leaves.

All that is left is for Kihyun to go home and begin his life as the queen.

 

Part 3- 18 months after the wedding

"I don't feel right touching you,"

Junsun had said that on their wedding night. Kihyun shared similar sentiments but tried to make light of the situation. It was a futile attempt. They sleep comfortably on their respective side of their bed.

Selfish, Kihyun felt it on an hourly basis as he went about his daily routine. Naturally, sifting finely through Junsun's schedule took precedence. He simply couldn't ignore the chances of Junsun's rightful partner turning up. Kihyun was not fond of surprises.

But yet he was fairly irked of the particular one he was about to stumble upon.

It wasn't too common to for them to share a meal, Junsun's was erratic. He obsessed over the smallest of details, leaving him restless if not in the company of his work. Kihyun had offered his company but the waters they shared were now tainted. They could barely hold a conversation for more than five minutes.

None the less, Kihyun picks up on the crease of Junsun's brow, the unsteady glances he would scatter amongst the dining hall.

Kihyun had created a fairly accurate profile of Junsun's emotion but this one seems to escape him. At first, it doesn't bother him and he barely blinks when covered in the warmth of his body.

It's as if it was a crisis of epic proportions, his body snapping awake just as he was about to shut off. He makes haste and runs through the notes that Junsun's secretary updates the system with, his eyes sifting through the black text upon the screen of his phone.

Internship interview

9:00 - 9:30 Kim Haechan  
9:45 - 10:15 Kim Roy  
10:30 -11:00 Lee Kihyun  
11:14 - 11:30 Jung Hoseok  
11:45 - 12:15 Shin wonho

Sirens set off and he has no idea how he could have missed this. He got too comfortable, taken Junsun's nature for granted. Sleep evades him and the first thing he does in the morning is phone his mother.

They say the price of love is too high but the person negotiating wasn't Kihyun's mother. How, where and what pertaining to this Lee Kihyun is quickly dealt with.

His mother had only bothered to send him a single text.

Don't worry about and don't let him know.

The matter is never spoken about again.

The single act marks his downfall, not even his mother could save him from himself.

 

-

Day in, day out, Kihyun recycles the same emotions. The denial growing stronger with each passing day, the color of Jusun's eyes fading.

It's as if he's dying and all Kihyun does is watching.

He's too busy wrapped up in his loneliness to care, the cold of his heart choking him at random. Tiny reminders lay strewn upon the house, validating why he had done what he did. Only after a year of marriage, did Kihyun really realize his actual motive and only then does it slowly kill him.

It was never about revenge, as much as he deluded himself. He most likely wasn't aware of his true desire.

The desire to have a home of his own.

This was no home, this was no haven but rather a prison he built for Junsun and himself. No different from the life he lived before but at least then, Junsun could look him in the eye and smile. Why was he punishing Junsun for being anything other than a friend, a genuine friend? Not like these people who paint on their faces and assess his very move.

All of a sudden, Kihyun doesn't know what he's doing anymore and he's pretty sure this isn't the life he intended to lead. Then again, he probably never thought past the point of raising his status in the family. Guess, he thought it would just be alright after that.

He just assumed.

Now they were dying in a hell he created.  
  
He could lie Junsun, to everyone but he couldn't fool himself.

Then the whispering started, voices swarming his mind till he couldn't ignore them but they spoke the truth.

_He's innocent, all he ever did was be nice to you._

_Why are you punishing him?_

Kihyun could never answer them.

These nights, Kihyun can only sleep with the help of Ambien and some wine. They no longer dine together, Junsun doesn't bother to seek him out. Kihyun creates his personal prison, within the hell of the house, he stays locked up in his room.

There had to be questions, Junsun's mother was too aware to allow his son-in-law's absence to go unnoticed. The rich, no matter how extravagant, adhere to rules of the social. Unless you're the black sheep like Kihyun's father.

Unless you're the son of the black sheep.

Kihyun figures Junsun made up some lie, played the part of the caring husband he intended to be. If only Kihyun didn't rip that away from him.

Somedays are better, some days Kihyun can swallow his emotions and breath but on the other, he can barely identify if he's awake or asleep.

Not that it matters, he was barely alive to begin with.

He resigns himself to the bed, his body aching and in need of some activity. His mind, however, is constantly spinning circles around him, accusations and remarks never letting his eyes rest without the help of drugs. They torture him and when he hears his own voice amongst the others, he tries to find his way out, even if there apparently isn't one.

The only option being to disappear but go where? This mansion is all he knows, Junsun and his mother is the only family he's ever had. To lose them would leave him with nothing.

But then again he was nothing.

Nothing better than his father, even worst probably. Atleast he's father had the decency to leave but Kihyun played a sheep in a wolf's skin. He had taken away Junsun's true love and barely blinked an eye.

Guess this is what they mean when they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

He wasn't like his father.

He was worst.

  
part 4- 3 years after the wedding

There's nothing but shadow, Kihyun dipped in the ebony ink that defiled his hand. It's dense and silent, an open space for him to curl into himself and die. Even with the numbing of his body, the tears on his cheeks, he repents every sin he committed. Each time, more and more ink slips into his mouth and he's choking on the darkness. He created the hell and the only thing left was to devour it. It was his duty and his alone. Junsun should have never been dragged into this. He swallows it all, each bitter memory, each vile intention, everything goes back to where it should have been; in him. Just when he thinks he can't take anymore, there's a shift in the air, a strand of warmth against his cheek, a hushed call of his name. A sense of warmth so fierce blooms inside him, he believes that everything just might be alright. He sees the lips, plush and pink, hands reaching out, strong and rough. Kihyun want's to hold it but he's paralyzed. So all he does is call out but he chokes on his despair when realizes

He doesn't remember the name.

When he awakes, the sun is out, the glow of the ember seeping through the blinds. If not for that, he wouldn't have been able to peer at his wrist so closely.

The saliva pooling in his mouth as he sighs heavily, of course he could only see Junsun's name. The one who reached out to him was most definitely not Junsun. His soul mate voice was deep and stable, his large hands the color of caramel.

He starts off subtle, gentle even as he rubs the ink down with some makeup remover, then a lemon. He's struggling to steady himself, he's fairly frail from not eating properly. From the strange looks the servants are giving him, he must look like hell. Abandoning the kitchen, he barges into the garden shed and sifts out a can of paint thinners. He grabs the hem of his shirt and dips into the substance, applying it to the black lettering. It burns but he's becoming too frantic to really care.

He isn't even thinking about meeting his soulmate, his mind stuck at a red light.

Kihyun just wants to know the name. That's all he needs. He just needs to know the name of the person that reached out to him.

"Oh my god!" a shriek so piercing, Kihyun flinches, his eyes snapping in the direction of the source.

The servant's eyes wide in horror stays transfixed on him. He sees it before he feels it, his flesh raw and pleading. The thick of the blood slipping over the curve of his wrist but he can't feel anything other than the warmth of the smeared blood. Kihyun kind of likes it, the warmth of the blood feeling something like the sensation of an embrace.

  
_Two days later_

In the pool of red, Kihyun feels warm and guarded. His body weightless amongst all he's regrets. It's as if his sin has come to his aid, to comfort him because they were partially to blame. He knows better though, denial is something he would never entertain. He hated every breath he had to take, every urge he had to push, every muscle he had to use.Being here would have been so much easier than being there.

The only saving grace Kihyun had to comfort him was his will to make things right, unlike his father. He didn't run away, he wasn't coward, no matter what anybody can say. He took care of his mother, stood his ground, bared the brunt and did what he had to.

He wasn't ashamed but he was empty and he was guilty.

Which is why he can't remain here, he can't remain silent.

When he wakes, he feels breathless like he's been working out. Slowly, the sleep fuzz fades and he panics because this is not his room. It's brief, his eyes scanning the familiar surrounding.

It was the beach house.

"Excuse me," He turns to find a petite girl at the bedside, her eyes cast on the ground as she mumbles.

He just nods but it isn't enough because she isn't looking at him," Morning,"

"Morning sir, Master requested you phoned him when you woke,"

"Uh, thank you," he says as he removes the blanket to find he's dressed in a pair of gray joggers and an over sized sweat shirt.

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything," she almost whispers and disappears.

Kihyun pays her no mind, she looks barely educated. This area was still undeveloped, which left the natural environment untouched. It's not enough, everyone needs money at some point.

His feet barely touch the ground before he feels a sense of dread wash over him. His eyes full blown in fear, he crawls back into the bed on instinct. He doesn't know what he's feeling but he hates it. The sensation makes every joint painful, his mouth dry as he continuously tries to swallow the discomfort.

It doesn't work and eventually, he tires out.

The third time he wakes, he remembers no dream. The room is dull with only the full moon offering some assistance. Amongst the chaos the chaos in his head, Kihyun remembers the vivid memories of staying up late and sneaking out. Junsun was fixated with spotting a shooting star, they would spend hours on the stairs, wrapped in heavy wool blankets.

It was all his fault.

He's numb once again, the wind ruffling his hair but falling flat against his arms. the only thing accompanies him is the phone clutched tightly in his right hand. It was surely lonely but the moon offered much more sympathy than the voices in his mind. It's as if he's only just emerged from the dark of his heart.

He searches for the stars, for his and Junsun but there aren't any on this night. It's wide and depthless, like the space inside him begging for him to fill it up with something of meaning. His treasure trove rotting within the void.

He isn't surprised. How could there be any stars there if he robbed the sky of them? Picked them one by one and drown them in the waters that flowed below them.

The wood beneath his feet cracks, each step instinctive as he climbs down the stairs. He sees the wave but hears nothing but the voices in his head.

_This is the only way._

Kihyun stops the minute he steps onto the pier, his scrawny fingers struggling to remove the bandage. Blood is all he remembers, the damage is much more than he expected. He chokes but it doesn't stop there.

"I don't know your name,"

The warmth of the tears dribbles down his cheek, the salty warmth shedding him of numbness. The cold invades but it's no match for the hurt Kihyun is feeling inside. The inevitable realization that he fucked things up and there's no way out, no way to make things right.

He would never find his soul mate, he could never reply to the voice that called out to him nor would he feel the warmth of the hands that reached out to him. He had stolen his star too.

How does one person fuck things up so bad? A bitter laugh escapes and he thinks about how they compared him to his father. No, his father's sins paled in comparison to his own. At least his father didn't ruin himself, much like the way Kihyun did. He probably died a happy drunk man with a std in some shit hole.- happy being the key word here.

Kihyun, however, had managed to kill himself in a much more pathetic manner and he wasn't even dead.

He continues to walk, his hand shaking as he struggles to maintain a grip on the phone. Before he reaches the edge, he dials the number.

It rings twice before the call is picked up and Kihyun shuffles to a stop. He seemingly can't multitask, so he stops midway and stars into the night as the tears flow.

"Kihyun, are you okay?" Guilt, Junsun practically oozes it.

He did that, he pushed him away.

Kihyun tries to speak but only a sobs escape, his eyes blinking the tears away.

"Ki-"

"I stole your star," he croaks before Junsun can get any further.

"What?"

"Your shooting star," Kihyun struggles," The one you were always looking for. I stole it."

"Ki," Junsun hadn't called him that since he presented," please calm down."

"Junsun, " He manages between sobs.

"Ki,"

"I don't know his name, Junsun. I can't remember his name,"

"Who's name?"

"No, you don't understand. I FORGOT HIS NAME," he screeches into the phone," and now it's all over."

"No no, nothing is over Kihyun," Junsun tries hard to remain level-headed but he didn't like where this was going," Whatever happened, we can fix it."

That was such a Junsun thing to say, like when he broke the vase in the study or when he scratched his uncle Elvis Presley record. Junsun would always say that he would fix it. Kihyun never understood how but the damaged goods were barely addressed. Some time later, he found out it was Junsun who took the blame and of course his parents did nothing. All Kihyun could think was how Junsun was the nicest person.

"You don't deserve this," Kihyun swallows thickly, trying to regain his voice," I'm irreparable, you can't fix me. Junsun, forgive me, you know you were my only friend, the only one that saw. So please, forgive me,"

"Kihyun, this isn't funny. Forgive you for what?"

"I hid your star far away from here. I wrote the details down, it's on the top shelf of my wardrobe. You'll find it beneath a red velvet box. You can't fix me but you can fix yourself,"

"Kihyun, for the love of God-"

"I lied Junsun, I'm not your soulmate but you already know that. It was fake, the name on my wrist is no more than an ink from a machine." silence follows and Kihyun continues," You owe me nothing but please take of my mother, I know you don't have to. I know I ruined-"

"Kihyun!," Junsun's tone is something he's never heard before," Stop, we can discuss this. I'm furious Ki but you're scaring me. Please, just come home and we'll talk."

"Lee Kihyun," Kihyun smiles bitterly,"That intern, he was the one. I know you felt it. I bribed him, Jun,"

"...we'll discuss it, just-"

"Discuss what? what a heartless money hungry bitch I am?"

" Your none of that. I'm sorry I pulled away but Ki, I know you. I've known you my whole life, this isn't you,"

Kihyun sighs heavily, a weak smile on his face,"Why don't you hate me?"

"Cause you're my family Ki," Junsun almost pleads," Please, listen.'

Junsun's sincerity unleashes another wave f overwhelming emotion, his throat restricting as he cries and cries. Junsun's heavy breathing keeping him company in his misery.

"But I can't remember his name," He repeats,"I can't remember his name."

"We'll find him," Junsun reasons breathless,"there has to be a way."

Kihyun wants to believe. He looks to the sky, wondering what his soulmate is doing. It's late in the evening, maybe he's leaving work or just returning home, maybe she's out drinking with some friends or working late or not working at all. He wonders if they're also alone.

" There are no stars out. I wonder if it's because I'm out here alone," maybe they only came out for Junsun.

Kihyun hopes his soulmate has a friend like Junsun, who can show the night sky littered with gems more precious than any stone Kihyun could ever afford.

Most importantly, he hopes his soulmate has a home to rest their head.

He forgot himself, he forgot his soul mate's name and between the vast oceans and empty skies, he's been forgotten as well.

He just needs to dispose of his soulless body.

The phone becomes part of the background, the tiny voice of Junsun chattering away.

He has spent some of his happiest moments at this beach, maybe, just maybe the ocean will remember him for who he had once been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got my nails done and typing is not easy.(i blame tumblr for pretty mermaid nail pics) 
> 
> excuse errors. i hope you got some closure from this.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no wifi, so once again, here we have another, no way I'm editing, fic typed out on my phone. Sorry for errors.  
> Yea, apparently, i like affairs and such. Not everyone's cup of tea. Thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed.
> 
> (Bara will be updated when i get to my online drafts)  
> and yes, the title is a line from a jcole song.


End file.
